The Incredible Si-Man
by RavenclawRugby
Summary: Hi! This is my first ever story, so please be nice, dear reader. Just a little one shot about the time Simon thought he was a superhero...madness ensues. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPACE DOLPHINS


I swear it was all Jace's fault. _Ouch_ , Clary. Fine, I'll get on with telling the story.

'Take that, Wolf Boy!' I yelled as I smashed Jordan with a shell. Ok, we were playing Mario Kart. But still.

'Not for long, Sucker!' he screeched as his car turned into a bullet.

'You know they save that thing for hopeless cases, right?'

'Oh yeah? Why haven't you got one then?'

He was right. I was dead last. Pun not intended.

I paused the game.

'Dude-' Jordan began.

I shrugged. 'Snacktime.'

I swaggered (this is my story Clary. If I want to swagger, I will swagger) over to my mini-fridge full of blood and selected a Starbucks disposable cup from the front (that's a different story).

I rejoined Jordan on the couch, slurping through a straw. It tasted a bit funny, but that was probably because the cup hadn't been washed out properly before it was filled.

'What's next, man?' Jordan was searching through the discs on the table. 'GTA, Smash Bros? Just not Sing Star again. I don't think you appreciate how sensitive my hearing is. Simon?'

Jordan said as I suddenly began to shudder violently then. I don't remember that. I do remember everything changing into really bright, noisy colours. My hand slipped and the rest of the blood spilled onto my jeans.

'Si?' Jordan was getting worried. 'This isn't funny, man. Your singing isn't that bad. I take it back. Simon?'

My head snapped around to see him. In my new kaleidoscope vision, he appeared comically cartoon, my ideas of him mixed with reality until I was seeing dogs ears perched on top of his head and whiskers painted on his face.

I chuckled. 'Simon? Who is this Simon you speak of? He sounds boring.'

Jordan still won't admit that he was terrified in that moment, but I'm pretty sure the puppy inside him almost forgot his toilet training (I shouldn't have to apologise if it's true, Clary.) A pretty powerful (even if I do say so myself) vampire goes completely and utterly insane? Not even Praetor Lupus can train someone to handle a crazy Simon Lewis.

And if that wasn't bad enough, for some reason I thought it would be a great idea to start bouncing off the walls. Literally. I'd been wondering for a while if it'd be possible to jump from one wall to the other without falling. Turns out it is, and it's a heck tonne of fun.

I was jumping around from wall to wall, giggling and yelling 'weeeeeeee!' so Jordan had to do something.

'Ok, hang on there, man. I'm just gonna get my phone. You just keep doing...whatever the hell this is.'

'Sure thing, Wolfie.'

The second Jordan left the room I immediately forgot my promise. In between wall bounces I spotted the curtain flapping and my focus changed like when a dog sees a squirrel. I slinked (look, our fourth grade teacher gave us all these other words for walking. Don't judge) over and _oh hey, the window's open! I wonder what could be outside?_ In that moment I thought the best course of action would be to jump out. From the third storey.

If you're not a lunatic vampire then I wouldn't suggest jumping out a third story window. My experience was incredible, but I was certifiably insane at the time. I can remember screeching 'woo!' as the wind rushed through my hair and clothes and I came closer and closer to the ground. Of course, my heart didn't beat faster, but it was still a great rush. At the last second I managed to flip myself around in the air so I landed feet first on the pavement.

Thank the G-word it was night time. Not only would I have been scorched but I didn't want small children replicating the same stunt at home. At the time though, I couldn't care less about dying again or small children hurting themselves. I was way too excited for that. My head felt like it was full of a hive of very angry bees. I giggled, and I'm pretty sure I started singing a song mostly comprised of the word 'buzz'. The bees reminded me of a distant memory. Something about a man spider?

My subconscious brain caught up before I did and before I knew it I was hanging off the windowsill outside the apartment I'd jumped out of a few minutes ago. I could see in over my fingertips.

Inside, Jordan was joined by four new people. A black haired guy, completely disinterested. A man with spiky dark hair and cat eyes examining the blood spill on the couch. A tiny red-haired girl looking scared. And the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. (Don't you dare tell Izzy I said that, Clary.) Her dark, velvet eyes drifted over to the window, and she cocked one eyebrow when she saw me outside. She nudged Cat Eyes and pointed. As flattered as I was that she noticed me, I decided now was a good time to make an exit.

I pulled myself up until my feet were on the ledge, then jumped. Somehow I made it to the roof. I was all ready to leap to the next building when Cat Eyes appeared behind me.

'Hey there, Shane.'

I almost fell off the roof.

'I'm not quite sure what my name is, but it's not Shane.'

'Are you sure?'

'Definitely not Shane. The guy with the wolf ears called me Simon.'

'Nah, that doesn't sound right.'

'Yeah, Simon sounds a bit boring. I need a better name. Like a more superhero kind of name. Like Man Spider or something.'

Cat Eyes chuckled to himself. 'Ooooh, this is too good.'

Turning to me he said, 'You need a name that stands out. Like...The Incredible Si-Man!'

I considered it, then nodded. 'I like that.'

Cat Eyes was delighted with himself for coming up with such an amazing name.

'Hold on there for a second, Si-Man. If you're going to be a superhero you're going to have to look like one.'

This time I did what I was told and was rewarded when he returned a couple of minutes later with some sort of lycra suit draped over one arm.

I hesitated. Sure, I was out of my mind. But I wasn't out of my mind enough to accept a skin tight superhero costume from Magnus Bane.

I shook my head.

'But it has an 'S' on it for 'Si-Man!'he insisted.

'Just the cape.'

'Good choice, sir. Now go off and save the world while I try to figure out what type of demonic drug got into your food.'

It was saving time! What was I going to do? Kill some demons, stop an evil politician or prevent a bank robber- what's that noise? Is that a damsel (sorry, person. I'm not sexist) in distress? Si-Man's on the case!

I took a run and leap from the roof in search of the screamer, my bright red cape flapping in the wind. Somehow I managed to find the source of the noise, even with my messed up senses. Thirty or so storeys below me was a balaclaved figure trying to pull a handbag off a young woman.

'Get off me, you acquisitive bag of soil!' the girl was yelling.

I had no idea what it meant but it sounded like a pretty good insult. The victim was pulling with all her might, and thinking she'd like a bit of extra muscle power I nosedived off the building to help.

I must have had incredibly good aim because with a sickening crunch I landed smack bang on top of the balaclava guy. Handing the girl back her bag, for some reason I got kitchen utensils mixed up with chivalry and said 'm'ladle' as I bowed.

If I thought I was going to get any recognition for my selfless, daring act, then I was severely disappointed. Someone from behind me yelled, 'hey, dude! Get off the set! We're trying to film here!'

I turned around and finally noticed the camera crew standing only metres away. They should have been honoured at my presence, it's not everyday a superhero makes his debut, but they seemed more interested in filming whatever kind of movie has a scriptwriter who would include the words 'inquisitive bag of soil' in his screenplay. The Incredible Si-Man jogged back off into the night.

I was still slightly embarrassed when I stumbled across a burger shop. Forgetting I was a vampire and that burger shops don't usually sell blood, my stomach rumbled (I never did finish that mid-game snack), and I took it as a sign that I should go inside.

The whole place was decked out like a pirate ship (haha. 'Decked'. Geddit?) The tables and chairs looked like they were made out of barrels, cloth was hung from the ceiling representing sails and a sign reading 'Poop Deck' indicated the way to the bathroom. It was probably just my messed up head, but I'm certain the whole place was swaying like a ship too.

I was just finding my sea legs when something jumped out behind me screaming 'arghhhhh!' I squealed like piglet, not because I was scared, the Incredible Si-Man is never scared, but I was rather fond of my cape and it did not need a hook stuck through it.

Pirate Guy looked pretty happy he'd managed to produce that noise from me. To be fair, it was around three am, there couldn't have been much to do.

'ARGGGGHHHHH, MATEY!' he screeched, much louder than was necessary for a vampire to hear. 'WOULD YOU LIKE A BURRRRGERRRRRR?'

'Not really, uh, matey. Got any blood?'

I know. I'm really not meant to tell mundanes I'm a vampire. It tends to fascinate them too much and they start asking questions about sunshine and sparkling. The pirate just looked annoyed. He shook his head at me.

'That's kind of weird, dude. I don't need to know about your fetishes.'

Suddenly the door behind the counter burst open. A massive, blubbery, grey shape emerged. A pirate hat sat lopsided on its bottle-nosed head.

'What the hell is that?'

'That's Patricia, the waitress. She's having issues with her weight at the moment, keep it down. She's also a space dolphin.'

'And I'm the weird one?'

'Shhhhhh, keep it down. Patricia gets a bit angsty when she thinks people are talking about h-'

Without warning a red light shot out of the space dolphin's blowhole and pierced a hole in the ceiling of the burger joint. I took that as my cue to leave.

I could hear the pirate saying 'Disrespectful youth,' to Patricia as I left.

After the whole Pirate/Space Dolphin thing I was finally catching on that maybe I wasn't one hundred percent sane. I was heading back to my apartment, all ready to call it a night- wait a minute, is that a kitten stuck in a tree?

It was a worthy last mission. The cat was very obviously distressed at its predicament. It was time for Si-Man to step in and help.

I climbed the tree quickly and rescued the quaking kitty, who didn't seem to be grateful at all. Perhaps she liked being in the tree. I flung (my logic wasn't working very well) the cat to the ground, and was just about to get out myself when Cat Eyes and Co came round the corner.

'-demon drugs. Should wear off any second now-' he was saying.

Suddenly all the extra colour fell out of the world around me. I felt drained, weak. I remembered that my name is spelt with an 'o' not an 'a', and I remembered the names of the other four too. But worst of all, I remembered that I was stuck in a tree, and I was too drained of power to launch myself down.

Of course, you thought it was hilarious, Clary. The terrified vampire with a cape stuck in a tree. It wasn't fun. It took ages for everyone to stop laughing, but when they did, Clary forced me to promise I'd tell her the tale of the Incredible Si-Man, and wouldn't let Magnus magic me down until I agreed.

We were still pondering over the reason I had my little misadventure later on in the sanctuary of the Institute, when Goldilocks Jace pipes up, 'Yeah, that was just some powder I bought at a demon joke shop.'

DEMON JOKE SHOP?! He has to be kidding me! It could have killed me or something.

So watch out, Jace. The Incredible Si-Man is not above revenge.


End file.
